Contentment

We are all looking for different things in women. If you’ve found what you’re looking for, what are you still looking for?
In the search for a woman several things weigh on the mind. There are wants and there are needs. Wants are lusts and desires. “I want a beautiful woman”… “I want a classy chic”… “I want a sexy babe”…. “I want a glittering ebony”… All these are wants, lusts and desires.
They’re issues of attraction and are largely driven by imagery. Media has a great bearing in shaping our wants – the movies we watch, what we’re exposed to, culturally. But a man also has needs. And needs are on two levels: custom needs and fundamental needs. By custom needs is meant the qualities of a woman that are good and critical for you in particular.
They are determined by your aspiration, your history, your deficiencies, your nature, personality… These needs are not generic to men. They appertain to you. What you need is not what the next man needs. We don’t have the same histories, or aspirations, or deficiencies. We don’t have the same backgrounds.
In choosing a marriage partner young men hardly focus on needs. The reason is because the young man is so full of self belief and bravado he can’t see his deficiencies. He doesn’t even know he has NEED for someone. He just knows he has desires, wants and lusts. And even when his need fulfillment is staring him in the face he’s still preparing to embark on a voyage of discovery. He can’t see the tree for the variegated opportunities in the forest of a thousand flesh. And flesh can be confusing. It comes in hues, shapes and sizes. Nature is prolific. It has sets and sub sets. It is for this and many other reasons that a wise young man should ask God for mercy and guidance in his search for wife. You don’t know enough about life, about yourself, about human nature. You need the talents of a transcendent God. If in choosing a wife the edifice of your decision rests only on the pilaster of anatomical proportions, you won’t need a seer to know that ordinary childbirth can alter the shape of your matrimonial commitment.
Wants don’t and can’t substitute needs. They’re in different streams. Some men need a very simple and tolerant woman. Some need a patient woman. For some it’s a very loving and accommodating woman. For another it’s a prayerful and godly woman. Some men need a woman with nurturing instincts. Some need an
enterprising woman. And the truth is that some men need a firm, strong and decisive woman. Or they’ll never make progress. Our needs fulfilment minister to our sustenance, nurture and vision… They plug our deficiencies. Aside from custom needs however there are the fundamentals. Men can’t do without these fundamentals. The biggest fundamental in a relationship is peace. Without peace there can be no happiness. A lack of peace at home takes away soul peace. The option is depression, preceded by anxiety and fear. Harmony creates peace. And desire for harmony is as important as the harmony itself. That a home lacks peace doesn’t necessarily mean the couple is “fighting”.
There may be no quarrel in a home yet there’s no peace in that home. Disagreeability is disharmonious. And two can’t work together except they agree. Couples must have harmony of being. Love creates it. Without harmony of being, a couple will pursue divergent programmes and agenda. The split has begun. If care is not taken the couple will become parallel lines. They can’t meet.
Again, a young man can hardly know how fundamental peace is. No matter how beautiful she is, if she won’t give you peace it’s not worth it. You’ll be in pieces. And so we have three things: wants and lusts, custom needs, fundamentals. It is advisable to consider all three in choosing a marriage partner. And having chosen choose contentment as well.
If you want to be happy in life learn contentment. And if you want a happy and beautiful relationship you must be content with your choice. Even if you marry Miss World there’s always going to be someone more beautiful than your wife. The computational factors employed by nature to achieve creative proclivity is rather variegated. It means there are so many beauty factors that simple combinations can produce confusion in a greedy man. Nose shape, lip shape, cheek bone, height, complexion, size of mammary glands, posterior curvature, size of eyeballs… The combination of these nine factors alone can produce a billion variants of beautiful women. Do the computation! Now factor in education, background, culture, history and you’ll see a wild forest of combinant qualities of attraction. Just how do you think Solomon ended up with 300 wives and 700 concubines? 1,000 women! Now, since you don’t have Solomon’s means I advice you learn contentment. You don’t want his troubles either.
Contentment is a decision. Contentment is about being satisfied and being gratified with the woman you have. There are combinations of things about her that make her unique and incomparable to any other woman. If you don’t learn contentment you’ll become a range rover, roving from hostel to hostel in search of flesh. It’s a matter of time before you graduate to lunar rover, visiting strange terrains and strange women.
A lack of contentment will erode the level of your commitment to your relationship. And the woman will sense it. This will breed insecurity in her. And then comes the emotional flare ups. Or depression. When she’s out with you she’ll be very conscious of your indiscriminate attention to passer-by comeliness. She won’t be okay leaving you in certain companies, corpulent or non corpulent. She becomes a literal bodyguard.
And you know how these things are. She’ll begin to monitor your calls, mails and texts. She can’t trust you. You’ve eroded her fragile sense of security, put fear in her. Contentment brother! If you don’t appreciate what you have you’ll lust after the things others have. Be content.

Don’t Date A Man Without Character!

Relationships are built on data collection – texts, mails, photographs, confidences, secrets, tapes, words and letters… Each party is a repository of information about the other party. The only data security guarantee you have is your boyfriend’s character. Don’t date a man without character.

Don’t date a vindictive or vainglorious fellow either. When you quarrel (and you will quarrel with such a man), he will publish your confidential data. He can ruin your life. If you can’t trust a man with information, don’t date him. The foundation of intimacy is data trusteeship.

If a man talks carelessly about his last girlfriend, it’s a matter of time before you get the royal treatment. Such a man suffers from verbal flatulence syndrome (VFS). He expels flatus from the wrong orifice. Some men like to boast of “conquests.” Of course most like to boost their rating in the adamic community. Chest thumping is not a King Kong monopoly. Don’t date Ivan the Conqueror! You’ll just be another “conquest.”. And if you don’t want to be a conquest, don’t lie down! But let’s look at the flip side of your question. 

There’s such a thing as too much information (TMI). There are some things better left unsaid and better left unknown. Don’t seek to know what you can’t handle. Why seek to know the complete sexual history of a man when you know you can’t handle the information? What do you want to do with that kind of knowledge? Create an encyclopaedia of sins? If he’s committed to you, serious about the relationship and faithful, why the archeological excavation of prurience? Complete disclosure will not make the man a virgin, or cleanse his past. As far as I know only the blood of Jesus does that. (I mean cleansing of the past!). I don’t know why people equate such level of disclosure to clean slate.

Data virginity as factual virginity is a romanticised illusion and a desperate clutching for security. Being a repository of that kind of information only exposes you to unpleasant truths about regrettable pasts. And if both of you have colourful pasts, a disclosure agreement won’t balance the scale. What you have is balance of error.

In a typical man’s mind a rather colourful past presupposes canine tendencies. (Can breed distrust). Please don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about dishonesty in a relationship, or the hiding of critical information. If the info will affect your social evaluation, make you a laughing stock, affect your health, or fate, he MUST disclose. And vice versa. May be difficult but it’s the best course for the long term health of a relationship. If a man has dated your friend for example, he must let you know. The outcome is your decision but you should know. If you find out it’s worse. You’ll read it as deceit; that the joke was on you all the time.

Let me cite another instance in which a man clearly owes his woman disclosure.

If a man finds himself in a situation which mandates constant proximity to an old flame, he should let you know! That can happen in business and he should tell you himself.  I do think he ought to give you extra assurances in such circumstances. And I’m talking about romantic assurances, not “I swear to God who made me!” kind of assurance. A gift, flowers, written note or text, or even dinner can’t be bad! He needs to affirm his love and commitment to you; that everyone pales in comparison to you and there’s even no basis for comparison; that old things have passed away.

In social gatherings where the ex is present, he must demonstrate to the world his commitment to you, in word and gestures. If you have to assert yourself in such a situation, I’ll be worried. You need to have a talk! Commitment…Character….!

Keep Your Relationship Private!

I’m going to share some vital information with you today. I want to give you a man’s perspective on certain issues. You need perspective to understand how a man feels in certain circumstances. Now, what you do with that information is up to you but I’ll empower you with the knowledge.

You have a good man in your life. Don’t discuss him in concert with your friends. Men want relationship privacy. Keep his confidences. Don’t turn his intimations into tabloid fodder. Don’t spread his entrails on the slab of objurgation. Don’t allow others to vulture on him. Discussing the prurient details of a man’s life with friends is a Sex & the City ritual. Your relationship is not entertainment. If you table your man’s life on the altar of gossip and slander, you are sacrificing him as oblation to friendship. Your friends will disrespect him and discuss him behind your back. You gave them license!

Incidentally, they’re also making fun of you. You just don’t realise it. You’re dating him afterall! If you take time to study female group dynamics, you’ll observe an interesting phenomenon – the Withholder. There’s usually a woman not forthcoming with information about her man while others trade theirs. She’ll laugh at the jokes but she’ll be coy about her man. She’s actually a smart one! Your mother will tell you that.

If you have a problem with your man, discuss it with him in private. Choose a good moment. Don’t nag. What usually turns men off is the manner of approach, as well as anger at anger. That exacerbates issues. If you’re accusatory, discourteous, cynical or disrespectful he’ll get angry. If you get angry at that, things will go bad. If your tone is rude, dismissive, commanding or instructive he’ll tune off. Tone matters A LOT to men! A good man loves sacrificially. He’ll seek to please you and make you happy. His joy is that you’re one with him. But if he sees that your loyalty is to your friends rather than your relationship, he’ll be exasperated but hold his tongue.

There’s a residual painful “pain” men have in such circumstances. (Yes, there’s painful pain! English has limitations). He can’t discuss his exasperation with you because he won’t get through. He can’t reach you! You’ve moved to another channel! That gives him a shaking of the head regret. Only a man knows what that means but let me try and define it: Shaking of the head regret is a deep pain a man is forced by circumstances to endure when he can’t get to his woman. It’s not that he doesn’t want you to have friends; it’s just that he’s wary of bad company and dangerous philosophy.

A man is always afraid to expose his relationship to wrong influencers. He never likes third parties controlling his woman and indirectly determining his relationship. I’m sure you know instances of women urging others to demolish their relationship while they keep theirs.  These are civil demolition contractors. And men worry about them. They are a constant source of exasperation. When you probe, you will discover that these women have far worse situations than those they instigate to break up. They’ll tell you they can’t tolerate what they actually tolerate away from view; and urge you not to take nonsense! I quite agree with them! Don’t take nonsense from them! Then there are those on the verge of breakup who urge others to break up their relationship. Misery loves company. With wisdom you’ll see that these women are actually envious of what you have. Don’t be a fool.

And if it appears greener on Labake’s side, chances are she laid out astroturf for you to view. Things are not always what they seem.

Never compare your man with others, especially those that don’t exist. Every man has a unique programme. Every programme has a sequence. Every sequence has its timing. Value what you have. A good relationship is invaluable. A good man has valuation. Protect his evaluation. Build his image. It’s an eloquent, compelling and disturbing testimonial when a woman tears her man down.

Don’t forget the words of Solomon: A wise woman builds her house but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.

Contents and Containers

Many of us can best be described as very spontaneous, full of live and adrenaline rush that we tend to breeze through life without considering the pros and cons of our thoughts, decisions and actions. We are so zealous, ambitious and enthusiastic about life that even the speed of light is no match for us.
It is a good thing actually because without zeal, passion, ambition and enthusiasm one can be likened unto as a living-dead but have you ever asked yourself where it is you’re rushing to and why haven’t you reached your destination ever since? We live in the jet-age is usually the common slogan,  ‘patience’  has been left out of our dictionaries, we want everything done at such an Incredible pace that peradventure it doesn’t come on time we swiftly move unto the next item on the list,  as it’s usually said over here (no time to check time).
Many businesses have been fraught with failures because people fail to consider the pros and cons before dabbling into it, no preparation whatsoever and as a result they are ill-equipped to combat any challenge that arises and hence failure, bankruptcy.
The place of adequate and careful preparation in any endeavor be it examination, career, relationship, marriage cannot be overemphasized. A popular saying sums it up beautifully “if you fail to prepare you prepare to fail”.  Life is just too precious to live every minute of it dreaming alone without taking steps to actualize the dreams because faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26).
The same goes for relationships, you don’t just nosedive into it hoping when you ‘ get to the bridge you shall know how to cross it’ instead why not consider the pitfalls, potholes and bumps, speed limits on the bridge before embarking on the journey, this will ensure that you’re adequately ready for anything the bridge might throw your way. Majority of the young ones nowadays have a skewed idea of who/what an ideal partner should be like. I am not here to confirm your expectations of how an ideal partner should be but to make you understand that external beauty alone isn’t sufficient in choosing a partner. 

Hollywood, Bollywood, Nollywood and all the woods of this world have not helped matters at all as they give us a very distorted interpretation of what an ideal partner or relationship should be. They tend to project the anatomical contours, breasts , bums, six-pack and the likes as the things to watch out for in choosing a mate neglecting the inner beauty which doesn’t fade away but gets renewed with time and experience. Unlike external beauty which some celebrities spend thousands of dollars to augment to look acceptable once again, inner beauty is just like an old wine which gets better and better with time. Little wonder the rates of divorces amongst the celebrities reached an all time high ridiculing a once sacred institution ‘marriage’ into mere formality.
What am I saying in essence, beauty is vain and deceitful but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised (Prov 31:30). Don’t get me wrong beauty is good at least no one wants to associate with anything that isn’t beautiful to behold even God after finishing His creations exclaimed that they were GOOD(beautiful). So beauty is good but beyond beauty (container) it would be wise to Consider the Content of the container as well. 2Tim 2:20 describes different types of containers some unto honor while others unto dishonor, some made of wood and others of earth, some of gold while some of silver.  It will sadden you to know that majority of the barbie-containers, six-pack containers have rotten contents.
Some ladies truly are paragons of beauty but they are an accident waiting to happen when you get close to them, one might not have peace when one marries them, some guys although handsome to behold and always forming pious and holy are serial wife beaters, some are unfaithful and ‘players’ in disguise.
So before you blindly and ignorantly fall head over heels in love with a person, check out his life, his beliefs, his actions do they align with what you want in a partner, does he practice what he preaches or is he just a serial pretender. Ask questions, you have the right to know much about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Prayerfully study him/her and don’t rely solely on your understanding alone because many people are very good actors and actresses it only takes a divine help for you to know the real intent of their hearts. That is why the Holy Spirit of God is always available to us at every moment, He reveals the expertly locked up secrets of the hearts and will even forewarn you of the dangers that may arise in the future, why not cultivate a working relationship with Him today so He could lead you unto the right path.  I wish you the very best in  your respective decisions in life, I pray you will not miss it.

Singles, don’t limit God

While at church service one Sunday morning, a young single, believing man walked in and sat to himself to the notice of several single women. As church service went on, the pastor told everyone to sit with someone they didn’t know so they could read the scriptures together. This was a good way to get people to mingle with others and to not only sit by those they already knew. Several of those single women wanted to go over and sit next to the single man but were uncomfortable with approaching him. But one single woman didn’t let that stop her. She walked over to sit with the young man, introduced herself and read the scriptures with him. It was a move that would change her life forever. Because of her act of faith to show herself friendly and sit with the young man, they began a courtship soon after and married six months later. Though they have had many trials as do all believing married couples, they have been married over 22 years and are more in love today than they were before. This couple is one of our mentors in our marriage and over the last almost four years, the wife along with another older wife in the Lord has helped me to become the wife and mother I am today based off Titus 2. So what’s the point of this story?

Single ladies, just because the scriptures do not say “She who finds..” does not mean you can’t introduce yourself, be friendly with or put yourself in position to meet the Godly man you may marry.

Single men, just because the scripture does say “He who finds…” does not mean you can’t be helped in finding the right woman for you.

One thing believing singles should do is to stop limiting the many different ways they could meet their potential mate. Yes there will be seasons of waiting, “ACTIVELY WAITING” in these seasons which means to be active (mingling with other single believers) while you wait to see who is the right one for you, but let’s stop with the “I’m waiting for God to bring me my mate by faith so I’ll just pray, believe and that’s it”.
Remember God requires works with our faith. There are times where all you can do is have faith, be still and know, but there are also times where you must put works with your faith and operate in that. What if the lady in the post never got up to meet the young man? What if another woman did? See too many would say, “Well if it’s meant to be, he would have went up to her”. And that’s where so many will miss exactly who God is and what He is capable of doing in their lives when it comes to meeting a Godly mate. Let me share another story with you to show what I mean.

A man was trapped in his house during a flood. He began praying to God to rescue him. He had a vision in his head of God’s hand reaching down from heaven and lifting him to safety. The water started to rise in his house. His neighbor urged him to leave and offered him a ride to safety. The man yelled back, “I am waiting for God to save me.” The neighbor drove off in his pick-up truck. The man continued to pray and hold on to his vision. As the water began rising in his house, he had to climb up to the roof. A boat came by with some people heading for safe ground. They yelled at the man to grab a rope they were ready to throw and take him to safety. He told them that he was waiting for God to save him. They shook their heads and moved on. The man continued to pray, believing with all his heart that he would be saved by God. The flood waters continued to rise. A helicopter flew by and a voice came over a loudspeaker offering to lower a ladder and take him off the roof. The man waved the helicopter away, shouting back that he was waiting for God to save him. The helicopter left. The flooding water came over the roof and caught him up and swept him away. He drowned. When he reached heaven and asked, “God, why did you not save me? I believed in you with all my heart. Why did you let me drown?” God replied, “I sent you a pick-up truck, a boat and a helicopter and you refused all of them. What else could I possibly do for you”? Point?

Stop limiting God on how He chooses to connect His children. In the example above, the man had a vision of how he believed God would save him but God sent him several people to save him yet he refused every last one of them because he had a vision of the way he believed God would specifically save him. Could this be you but in believing how God will send your mate in a certain way? You may have one vision in mind but God may have so many other ways just for you.
God sent one of his sons to fellowship at a church over 22 years ago. A believing single woman wanted a man of God as her husband and decided to activate her faith with works by simply sitting next to him in service, introducing herself and reading the scriptures with him. She didn’t know if anything would come of it, but because she had no warning from the Holy Spirit to not go and sit with him, she went and the rest is a beautiful history where for over 22 years, they have been in love, in marriage God’s way, while raising 5 children together! God Connections will not all look or be the same; they will happen differently. So don’t limit God with YOUR vision or dream on how you want to connect with your potential mate when He may want to connect you in a different way.

From this day forward, all singles who truly desire a Godly mate, who are ready to be in Godly marital covenant, who have been praying, believing and waiting on their God Connection, please stop trying to dictate to God on “how” He should send you your mate. Be led by His Spirit and be open to the endless possibilities on how God Connections can come about. God Connections are the best connections there are but remember they will not always look the same.

If God is not saying no, then GO while being led by the Spirit! He will not lead you astray! Ask for what you want in meeting your mate but be open to what God may want to do in your life. Don’t Limit God! Be Encouraged!

Prov 3:5-6 (CEV), “With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment. Always let Him lead you, and He will clear the road for you to follow”.

Prov 3:6 (NLT), “Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take”.

Watch out for ravenous wolves in sheep’s clothing

I do see the confusion you have. But the fundamental question is: Does the fact that someone is a good church volunteer (or worker) mean the person will become a good marriage partner? The simple answer is that religious volunteerism is not an affidavit of marital qualification. Neither is religious volunteerism a certificate of matrimonial proficiency. You cannot assume that both roles – husband and church worker – are interchangeable.

A church is a melting pot of society. Despite our belief in the goodness of the average church attendee, we must not confuse personal righteousness with the gift of righteousness. Christians are gifted with righteousness because personal righteousness won’t cut it with God. But marriage operates on personal attributes – ideosyncracies, personality, values and character.

Our Lord Jesus has enormous absorbent capacity. “Come unto me ALL you that labour with heavy burdens” he said. That makes the average church a federal republic of ex labourers. The doors are open to struggling load carriers. The church is open to EVERYONE – the sick, the lame, the troubled, the weary, the directionless, the vain, the proud, the moralistic, the undisciplined, the loving, the hating, the searching, the depressed, the abused thieves, witches, alcoholics, prostitutes, recovering alcoholics, addicts, cultists, convicts, the broken, the mending, the disturbed, ritualists, pimps, “good” people… Jesus says come! Those that are well have no need of physician He said.

Jesus died for the world because humanity is sick. He’s the Great Healer. The secondary consequence of the fall of man in the Garden of Eden is psychological damage. Shortly after this incident we had the first murder recorded in human history – Cain slew Abel. That was indeed a fratricide – brother killing brother. It was hitherto unimaginable. It is because of this psychological damage that Paul encourages us to “renew” our minds with the word of God. Some have gone far in this regard. Some are far behind. He may be an usher and be far behind. And spiritual age is not proportionable to biological age. A grandfather can be a baby Christian. And so the church is a reformational institution for humanity.

That is the conceptual framework. There are two natures struggling in the average Christian: the “new man” and the “old man”. It’s a titanic struggle. The one is Dr. Jekyll, the other Mr. Hyde. (Remember the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?) It’s the lot of the Christian to suppress his Mr. Hyde to enable God’s nature in him dominate his existence. The Jekyll and Hyde configuration is why he can speak in tongues and still do crazy stuff.

Tongues is a gift. It is no proof of maturity or godliness. Neither is it a measure of holiness. Tongues is not earned. Paul called this Mr. Hyde the “flesh”. It’s a technical term for debased and perverted reasoning. Since reasoning informs action, the level of mind renewal of the Christian influences his character and behaviour. That someone is a good church worker or volunteer does not automatically mean he’ll make a good husband. Qualification for both roles are not the same. You can’t be presumptive. That is not saying there are no commonalities of virtues across both strata of engagement. There are attributes like dedication, faithfulness and diligence. Some carry such attributes into matrimony, some don’t.

The truth is, the man who buys into the recommendations of Jesus should ordinarily make a very good husband. And the exposition of love in Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (1Corinthians 13) should make any marriage solid. Subscription to THE WORD OF GOD (not religiosity) should create a joyful marriage feast. Who best to turn to for marriage counsel than the Creator of marriage Himself? The reality however is that we don’t always heed God.

And some people have schizoid tendencies. They exhibit contradictory attributes. In church they are holy holy but outside the context of church they are another thing entirely. Their Mr. Hyde dominates their existence. Paul calls such “carnal” Christians. They’re given to crude bodily pleasures.

And there are those who masquerade under the habiliment of piety. They’re pretenders. Remember the Parable of the tares? (Matthew13:24-30) Satan has his own plantings. Some people are like those sleeper cells of the espionage world. They are counterintelligence assets. They lie dormant until the signal comes from their father Satan. These are sons of Belial: wolves masquerading as sheep, cloaked in the fur of devoutness. You can’t take people at face value just because of the context of church. The church is a melting pot. You must be as wise as serpent but harmless as a dove. Use your wit.

Of course there are many good people in church; and there are many wonderful unions forged in church. But the composition of the 12 disciples of Jesus presents the probability of a variation of one in every twelve. Judas is a statistical variant – an aberrant, paradoxical, anomalous intercalation. Watch out for anomalies. Don’t assume everyone who goes to church is good and godly. Remember the church is for all comers. As a percentile Judas is about eight out of a hundred. In every hundred therefore there’s a probability of eight Judases. May God help you conjugate with someone from the other 92%.

The fundamentals remain nonetheless: you must seek matrimonial love, peace, harmony and happiness. Spirituality does not obliterate the need for love. Marriage is not a joyless, loveless, dutiful spiritual obligation. And God is not against personal preferences. God recognises personalities. Peter is not John.

Your personal preferences are okay. Only layer them on sound fundamentals. I will of course advice you pray and ask God for guidance. God sees everyone’s heart and knows tomorrow. If you do get warning signs don’t ignore. I wish you the best as always.

Agape: Self-giving Love

There are two Greek words you’d find most frequently translated “love” in the New testament. The first is “Agape,” and the other is “Philo”.  The latter stems from the Greek word “Philadelphia,” which means “brotherly love”. Brotherly love is that godly affection you have for your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. It’s when you learn to do things for them, and are willing to help, resulting even, share with and esteem others, being kind and affectionate towards them. The bible encourages it. Hebrew 13:1 says, “Let brotherly love continue “. 
For example, if I were sitting on a chair, and you came in, not having a seat, and I said to you,  “O, come over here and share mine with me.” that’s brotherly kindness. Perhaps it’s food and I decided to share it with you, that’s an expression of brotherly love. “Agape,” on the hand, is different ; it’s Self-giving love;a sacrificial kind of giving. In this case, I don’t just “share the seat” with you, I offer it to you to sit on. I don’t just share the food with you, I give it all to you. That’s “Agape,” the love of Christ.
Agape is the love that’s been shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, this means you can truly love everyone selflessly.  Ephesians 5:2 says,  “… Walk in love,  as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given Himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling savour.” The love being referred to here is “agape” ; the same Self-giving love that God exhibited towards a world of sinners, even though they didn’t deserve it. You’re required to love others the same way, if you must be filled with all the fullness of God.
Someone might say, “well, that sounds too difficult!”  Not when you’re born again and have the Holy Spirit. Love (agape) is a product of your recreated human spirit. You were born to love. Stir up the God-nature of love in you continually.

True Friends

I think we all at some point in our lives confuse friendship with fraternisation and socialisation. That one fraternises or socialises with a person doesn’t automatically make such fellow your friend. If you do not learn to distinguish social buddies from true friends then you have set yourself up for a very huge disappointment, so it is highly imperative you know how to categorize your friends into the different groups available.
The Bible rightly separates friendship into categories. There are true friends it says in {Proverbs 18:24 KJV}”…and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother”. In other words if your so-called friend takes off in your time of trouble – abandons you, lets you carry all the burdens alone, then you need to have a rethink because he’s obviously not a true friend. If he distances himself from you in your dark hour, he’s not a true friend either. A true friend is loyal. If you ever run into trouble and your “friends” are found wanting then it would be my advice to you to review your sociology.
Most of the times the trials of life are usually ‘friends-list’ editing exercises so you should not feel bad or let down when people you thought were friends suddenly realised that they have an important engagement elsewhere when you needed their presence, time, opinions the most.
And peradventure your friend is after your destruction or pursuing your ruination he can’t be your friend. According to the NLT, “There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” True friends are not jealous of each other either. They only sharpen the competitive instinct in one another, without jealousy. If you therefore notice tendencies of envy in a so called “friend” you had better had a chat with your legs and run! Cain slew Abel out of envy remember! Envy is irrational because sin controls the envious. Please know your true friends! And you really have to be careful about the type of friends you keep. An African apothegm states that the sheep that fellowships with hyenas will develop a taste for the unsavoury.
We’re semi-permeable membranes (as biology would have us believe, that’s my area of specialisation by the way ‘grins’) subject to osmotic principle. We are prone to imbibing wrong values when exposed to concentrates…simply put evil communication corrupts good manners.
Have you ever sat down to consider the ways and acts of politicians who refer to themselves as friends yet proceed to smear each other? This also is the kind of friendship obtainable in the business world, it’s simply called “political friendship” (imagine that). It is totally interest based. You can call it friendship of interest if you like.
In politics they say there are no permanent friends and no permanent enemies. Just permanent interests (laughs, we live in a world of deceit). Once you understand this operating philosophy you won’t get disappointed. It means someone who blocked your contract yesterday can seek your help tomorrow, without remorse or shame. When Solomon said friends come and friends go…, he was simply referring to these kinds of “friends”. They are fair weather friends. They come and go. They move in and out of your life in a whiz.

From king Solomon’s statement we can see that true friends don’t come in bulk unlike political “friends” who are always a plurality. Your relevance is all that matters to political “friends”. If you’re relevant they’ll surely associate with you. If you’re no longer relevant they pack their bags and just move on. And once your relevance returns you can be sure they’ll come back to you, like they never left in the first place. That is the way of the world my friend. Don’t take it personal though just pray God make you relevant and important.
And so for practical purposes we have three types of friendship: There’s social friendship – drink and party buddies, this type operates within social context. No real attachment. No depth.
There’s “political” friendship as explained before, it’s a friendship of self-interest. No loyalty there.
Then there’s true friendship, in which loyalty is prized and valued.
You only need to recognise these other “friendships” for what they represent but do not imbibe their values. You only take cognition of them so you don’t have false expectations and don’t get bitter. Preserve your core. Preserve your values. Fear God. Develop character. Have integrity. Be loyal. You’ll definitely need wisdom to navigate the treacherous terrain of the political and business world and that is why you need to pray to God for wisdom.
By now you’ll also have noticed there are “politicians” in your workplace, classrooms, neighbourhood, hostel etc in fact they are everywhere, just be wise enough to pick them out. They specialise in eye service. They appropriate other people’s efforts and are very mindful of where the pendulum is swinging.
Life demands you relate and negotiate with them but you’ll be damned if you put faith in such people. Watch out for hidden agenda. We all wish the world is made up of saints but it’s not and never will! You have to deal with reality, work with reality.
So concerning relationships or marriages, you should try very hard to always remain true friends with your partner. That friendship will determine your marriage. When friendship breaks down in a marriage, pretty much else fail to hold. Friendship is like a soul glue. A friend sticks, close. (closer than a brother according to Solomon). Your wife/partner should be glued to you. Let nothing separate you. Not even fights!
Someday the sun, the moon, the stars will be too dim for your old eyes. Someday your legs will start to tremble, your shoulders will stoop. Someday your few remaining teeth will stop grinding, sounds will grow faint. Someday you’ll become fearful of falling, your body will become fragile; you’ll no longer inspire sexual desire. Someday your hair will turn white, like an almond tree in bloom. Someday…
In those somedays, all you’ll have left is the love and friendship of your wife/partner and the memories of this life.
I wish you all the best in your decisions!

Giving and Loving in Relationships

Relationships are conceived as two-way traffic. The traffic has to keep flowing in both directions, can’t keep flowing in just one direction. If you are sincere with yourself about experiencing abundance of joy in your relationship, then learn to give. It’s not the duty of one party to give. It’s the duty of both.

You can’t be stingy to your boyfriend/girlfriend (fiancé/fiancée…feel free to choose the one that suits you). And you do not justify stinginess with the logic, “saying after all, he’s the man!” That is called sexist selfishness. If you’re a stingy or grudging giver it will definitely affect your relationship. It will become contrived. Even God our creator declared He loves a cheerful giver. If you do not give, at some point the other party will start feeling cheated. Your partner may continue to give though, but the joy that comes from reciprocity of affection is hovered out of the relationship.

Giving is first an attitude. And when I say giving I’m talking about generosity of soul. Giving without generosity is nothing more than an eye-service. The stingy will invariably lose out! A sclerotic soul deprives itself of nourishment. And you know something is very wrong somewhere when giving becomes mathematical and calculating exercise for you. The relationship has slipped into the shameful era of manipulation and it soon scales up where emotional calculus is introduced: “I want him to love me more than I love him”.

Texts are withheld… Parties begin to withhold affection from one another. And to imagine you’re doing this with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is so immature! Sometimes these things could be traced back to our backgrounds- the feeling of feeling unwanted, being unloved in childhood can breed insecurity. And so to artificially induce being needed and wanted you intentionally withhold affection. Wives do it too. Some even withhold sex or require some form of payment before their husbands can have their bodies! (only God knows what they’re selling)

It’s a bargaining ploy, a conflicted strategy to gain the upper hand in a relationship, to always be in control. Call it affection economics- the gambit runs on the laws of demand and supply…the less the supply the higher the price.  Affection is dispensed in measurements less than that obtainable in syringes (nanoscale measurement). And the relationship becomes a tit for tat tournament of emotional withholding and soon someone becomes emotionally tired of all the game, and thoughts go haywire.

I’d say it is better to have love and affection in surplus in a relationship than an emotional deficit. Love gives! And giving, especially gift giving can’t be limited to anniversaries alone. Giving can’t be anniversary exclusive. If the only time you give is at birthdays that’s not good enough for the soul of the relationship. Whatever happened to random acts of generosity! That belt, that perfume, the t-shirt, text, flowers, books…tokens of affection.

What a joy a relationship will be when both parties are givers! The relationship will not lack emotional nourishment. Meaningful giving demands generosity of soul. Let your giving be motivated by love. If you don’t change your attitude towards giving it will become your character which is a good thing.

Giving nourishes a relationship because it focuses us on the other party and so it’s a potent antidote to selfishness. I strongly believe men ought to be generous to their wives (or girlfriends); but it shouldn’t be limited to just guys/men, women ought to be too. You are never a loser giving, even if it’s unappreciated. That’s because of the conceptual mechanics of giving. A gift is likened to a seed therefore the principle regulating its life cycle is modelled on that of a seed.

From the sayings of Jesus and Paul’s disquisition we learn that a gift is a seed. When a seed falls to the ground it dies says the bible, it thus presents itself as a loss. And that’s what some people can’t handle- the “loss”. But without the seed dying there can be no seed resurrection. It can’t become a multiplicand. No multiplication whatsoever. Of course what you sow you’ll reap, and in the quantum to which you sow is what you’ll reap. And so the quantum of generosity you put into that material or emotional gift is what will be multiplied back to you. The return will not necessarily come from that stingy boyfriend/girlfriend, who’ll most likely lose you to a generous man/woman. Didn’t Solomon say kindness makes a man attractive? The return can come from any source.

Just give, you simply cannot lose! The cliché is true: Givers never lose and they never lack! A generous soul will be made rich. You might be tempted into asking “but if what you sow is what you reap, how does buying presents translate into love”? A present is material. How can you reap immateriality from sowing a material thing? If I give a belt, you ask, shouldn’t I then reap belts going by the law of reciprocation? Isn’t what you sow what you reap? You only ask because you’ve not taken time to study Paul’s exposition.

I believe there is the principle of body substitution in agric, not so? No seed ever germinates with the same body. When a seed is sown it dies. What germinates (or resurrects) is another body entirely. To use Paul’s analogy, the resurrection body of your seed is not the same as the mortal body sown. The key principle is body substitution and one beautiful thing about the laws of sowing and reaping is that it can be any type of body. Paul wrote: “God who provides seed for the sower…will also multiply the FRUITS of your righteousness which MANIFESTS itself in active goodness, kindness, and charity.”

You can reap goodness, kindness and love from giving material gifts: immaterial returns can come from material gifts. You can sow presents in your relationship and reap love, fidelity and happiness. It’s a corporeal-incorporeal dynamic. Return is usually not constrained to a body type. Paul says God can give the return on your seed-gift any body He desires. The implication of Paul’s thesis is that a barren woman can sow material gifts (including money) or caring for neighbours kids and reap conception. Sometimes spiritual laws are strange and awesome than fiction. But life is two-dimensional- material and immaterial.

Remember, if you hold on to your seed by withholding affection, you never get to sow! And so you can’t reap…

Love, do not judge!

Now this concerns everybody, yes I mean everybody and that means you’re not exempted from what I want to talk about today, we all do it and I’m cocksure some of you did it yesterday while some will still do it today. Some of us will even argue with me that it is what makes us humans, that we’re only living up to our tags as ‘imperfect beings’.

What are you guilty of, what am I guilty of? I’m sure you’re already itching to ask…I’ll tell you, we’re all guilty of the sin of condemning others to the pillory of our hearts before we even get to meet or know them personally. It is not uncommon for you to hear people describe another fellow as ‘proud, arrogant, boring, pompous, rude, unfriendly, tight-fisted, miser’ and all sorts of names without having said ‘hello’ to such persons at least once. I will drive home my point by starting off with this short illustration. Please take a ride with me.

 

A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a big sack with a lot of hardened clay balls. It seemed as though someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn’t look like much but they intrigued the man so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could, he was enjoying the whole show until he dropped one of the balls and it cracked open on a rock and inside was a beautiful, precious stone. With ethereal ecstasy, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls with each containing a similar treasure.

He discovered he found thousands of dollars’ worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had smashed unto the rocks. Then it struck him that he had been on the beach a long time with 50 to 60 clay balls already thrown into the ocean with their hidden treasures. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasures maybe he could have taken home tens of thousands of dollars’ he said to himself, but he just threw them away, away with their hidden treasures.

It’s like that with people. We look at some people and what we see is the external clay vessel. It doesn’t look like much from the outside, in fact it wouldn’t fetch anything tangible if attempted to be sold, It isn’t always beautiful or sparkling, no allure whatsoever so we discount it. We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful, stylish, fashionable, well known or wealthy. But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person by God.

There is a treasure in each and every person that you come across. If you take out time to get to know that person, or if you allow God to show you the hidden treasure in that person, then you’d discover that the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.

I remember a particular lady that met a friend of mine recently, in all fairness the lady is the talking type, oh boy she can talk, she’s that gifted but my friend happens to be the quiet one, often speaking few words. When this lady unleashes her tongue, you can’t but wonder how God made talking so easy for some while some are in dire need of that same gift (laughs). My friend was obviously getting fed up and he was almost avoiding the lady until I stepped in and encouraged him to try and know the young lady the more instead of concluding about her so soon. Though at the stage of knowing her more but I can assure you that the lady is showing traits of being a good lady.

May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May God help us to see the people in our world as God sees them.

Conclusively, do not judge anyone, it is the Father’s duty to judge, the Holy Spirit’s duty is to convict while your’s is to LOVE…isn’t that simple enough?

Put a smile on someone’s face today, do have a great day…(hugs)

Know your worth!

I think it is time to acquaint ourselves with certain perspectives on life because you are in that age bracket where such knowledge is very vital to your success in life. Soon enough you’ll be fixed firmly into matrimony. Most ladies dream of matrimonial conjugation and it is advisable to approach it with wisdom, may you not fall pray into the hands of the undeserving.

There are certain things that goes on in a man’s thought that I think you need to acquaint yourself with, this should give you a more rounded perspective in your relationship with one. This type of understanding is very essential in the quest for harmonious relationship.

So my homily to you today is that you place a premium/value on yourself, that you do not sell yourself short to any man. I have discovered that the male gender respects quality/value very well. We tend to accord more respect to ladies that we perceive as being a lady of value/worth. Don’t sell yourself cheap to get a man. It’s not going to worth it in the long run, but some women discover this truth in the short run.

Women are very wonderful creatures; they are uniquely and delicately made. By virtue of genetic and intrinsic properties, the woman is the cynosure of all eyes. Her visual aesthetics evoke appreciation. Don’t depreciate your worth young lady, it was given to you by the Supreme being. I have seen many young ladies emotionally co-habiting with a man who won’t love and adore them, I don’t need to remind you that you’re embarking on a risky emotional trip. He’ll rub your nose in shame in public. You were made to be cherished, don’t you drag your dignity, esteem into the mud.

The gospel truth here is that, a man cannot do without a woman (Wow, I just gave out the male specie’s long-kept secret! It’s our sub-rosa). That is why (if you’re a keen observer) he auto-gravitates towards the next woman (including his mother and sisters) in the event of a quarrel just to seek comfort.

So with this knowledge, I want you to make yourself invaluable. Make yourself rare in his estimation. He’ll praise you in the conclave of men, like the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31:28, he will call you blessed. As you rightly know men love to boast just about anything in exclusive assemblies, broadcasting their achievements, non achievements, networth and less-worth. You’ll be a major header on his vocally published balance sheet if you place a value on yourself. An invaluable woman makes a man the subject of secret envy (Prov 31:23).

I pray the Holy spirit will help your understanding in this matter and if you’ve sold yourself cheaply to any man, it’s time to retrace your steps and salvage what is left of your dignity.

Be blessed…

Before you date someone

Today dating has become a normal household name in our world; we have so commonised it that it’s gradually losing its relevance. Dating has been described as a form of regular romantic courtship between two individuals or the meeting with a lover or a potential lover. Dating experience can be a healthy and wholesome experience if God is made the focal point right from the outset or it could be nightmarish, the experience you desire is entirely your decision.

Today, I will be highlighting some advice for making the dating experience something you and God can feel good about afterwards.
 
You have to be spiritually prepared
as it is often implied that the physical is controlled by the spiritual…meaning before anything manifests in the physical (positively or negatively), it would’ve been settled spiritually first. For instance before you get the dream job you’ve always longed after, you must have been victorious in the place of prayer, it is this victory in the place of prayer that heralds the “calling for the interview and subsequent delivery of appointment letter to you” got it? So before you decide to go on a date with a friend or someone you claim to love, kindly talk to God about it. Time spent in the mirror is important but time spent with God is all-important. Let God know your intentions (eventhough He already knows), tell him to grant you utterances so that you won’t act amiss (Psalm 81:10).
Don’t think dating is an avenue to bore the other party with stories of how you struggled or the pity-party you throw for yourself because an ‘Ex’ left you, this is why you need God’s wisdom to filter and regulate the kinds of words that comes out of your mouth.

Feel free to talk about sex
Majority of us over-spiritualize issues forgetting that we are flesh with blood running through our veins, we tend to think “I am too spiritually matured to fall for sex”. But brother and sister, may I shock you by telling you that even the most spiritual of men have not been spared from this menace called sex, so why would your’s be different. So feel free to talk openly about sex before it becomes an issue. Physical intimacy is good in the confines of marriage but it burns one’s bosom outside it. So think protectively and proactively. Genuine love doesn’t say ‘if you loved me you would…’ this is called hypocritical love, rather it says ‘I love you too much to take advantage of you or cause you pain or ask you to do what you will feel bad about tomorrow’
Remember, he that thinks he stands should take heed lest he falls (1 Corinthians 10:12). Do not over spiritualize sex, tackle it headlong before it destroys you.

Limit your private time
When your friends start saying they never see you anymore, chances are that you’re becoming too exclusive with your partner, in this case you’re setting yourself up for a fall. Do not date as a couple, spend time in the company of others too. Limit the time you are alone, it could easily lead to stories that touch. Don’t always meet up to pray and blow tongues exclusively, the fire in tongue might later on evolve into the consuming fire of sex. When you’re both exclusive, you increase the chances of getting intimate by at least 40% and when emotion kicks in you might not be strong enough to resist it because you’ve already whetted your lust (James 1:14-15) and when lust is conceived, it brings forth sin and sin eventually births death. Death may not necessarily have to be physical alone, it could mean death of spiritual blessings, death of one’s health and finances, joy, happiness etc. I pray we will not die spiritually in Jesus’ name.

Get it right this time
This goes to those who have been permissive in past relationship(s). If you’ve allowed sin in your past relationship(s), don’t beat yourself up for that, don’t be discouraged, confess your sins to Him genuinely because He is faithful and just to forgive our sins (1 John 1:9) that means you can start all over again with a clean state, you can purport in your heart to do it the right way this time. Remember the strongest relationship always put God at the core, they demonstrate the kind of love described by Paul in (1 Corinthgians 13). You should take a look at the chapter one of these days, have a blessed week.

True Love

Love cannot be produced to order! If it does not spring up spontaneously from within, but has to be forced up, it will not usually be true love at all. True love grows out of respect for a person. If you do not respect and admire a person you can never really love him/her.
Sympathy should never be mistaken for love. To marry a girl just because her unfortunate circumstances evoke your sympathy is always extremely unwise.
You may consider it an act of gallantry and sacrifice, but if genuine love does not exist in your heart for her, your marriage can end in a breakdown. Love is an utterly essential pre-requisite in every Christian marriage. Sympathy and pity alone can never be enough.
If you do not respect a girl for her spirituality, the courage of her convictions and her intellectual ability, and if you do not have thoughts of
admiration concerning her, it would be unwise to go ahead.
The Bible says that love is the greatest thing in the world (1 Cor. 13:13). We cannot afford to ignore it

God of mercy

You can fast and pray all the time but remember that God will not do what He promised to do tomorrow today, He alone dictates what He wants to do per time, so keep on praying, keep on believing because He’s surely going to do it.

A world without YOU

A world without YOU is a world without YOU, you are a special being and as a result no one can do things the way you would do it… So never look down on yourself, rise up and shine because you’ve got a whole lot to give to this world than you can imagine…

A positive mindset

Did you know? That whatever is missing in your mind cannot be found in your life… Therefore think and speak positively, never allow the present situation you’re passing through dictate the tempo of your happiness… ‘poverty, stress, failure, disappointment confessed is poverty, stress, failure, disappointment received’

Always be glad and joyful in the Lord because in the end almost all your fears that you worry about don’t see the light of the day… Therefore rejoice I say.

Breast size

My dear young lady, it’s a self-esteem issue, not a biological issue. You’ve allowed the size of your breasts define your self-esteem and that’s not really healthy. Breast-size is a genetic lottery draw. You had nothing to do with it. Your genes determined the size of your breasts. That genetic scheme manifests cup-sizes, creating a mammalian alphabet system of measurement. And so you have cup-sizes A to D, the D and the like doubling in on themselves to accommodate larger cup sizes like DD.Are men attracted to only women with large breasts? Of course not. Men’s tastes are not generic despite media impression. Or women with smaller cup sizes will not be getting married nor have boyfriends. And that’s the point I’m making to you, that you can’t allow a biological marker define your esteem and essence. There’s more to you than your breast-size and if you don’t get that, you’ll be making the same mistake as a trollop. She defines her worth by her physicality. You’re doing the same too, albeit in reverse. In other words, you’re sexually objectivising yourself. Isn’t that a cultural mindset you attack in men?

Beauty is a cultural phenomenon. It’s always been defined by culture. The concept of absolute beauty is a moon shot. What is regarded as beauty in China may not be so considered in Europe. And what is considered beautiful in Europe may not be considered so in Africa, or the Arabian Peninsula.

Beauty is also defined by the times and the seasons. In Victorian time beauty was voluptuous. The Raphaelite conception of beauty held sway. It’s why the paintings contained full-figured women. But from the 60s on, the European fashion industry began to define beauty in terms of slimness, even as skinny. Remember Twiggy? If you don’t, Google her up. She was the sixties super model.

The problem is that nature reproduces from a genetic bank not from cultural templates we come up with. And so there’s no point trying to define yourself by the cultural standards out there. You were already who you are before those cultural policies were promulgated. There’s nothing you can do. Be yourself. And if it troubles you so much and you have the money, go for plastic surgery. Or use padded bra. But these won’t necessarily solve your self-esteem issue.

To be honest with you the people who define those standards are indeed few. Think of the editors at Vogue. Add a handful of fashion designers and then some, and you have the arbiters of culture. The only problem is that the parameters are so narrow and so ephemeral, if not whimsical. It hardly takes into cognizance intellect, philosophy and other dimensions of arbiters of culture.

If truth be told, these definers of beauty will themselves fail the test if the test were applied to them. If you critically analyze the objects of beauty presented as definition of beauty, you’ll find they are more of anomalies. They choose women and young girls with peculiar looks – the ones who don’t look like everybody. In other words, you are defining your self-worth by rarities of genetic rolling of dice.

These people are nature’s anomalies. Today, it’s unusual long neck, tomorrow it’s high cheekbones. And day after it’s what we’ll ordinarily call “ugliness”. They shifted the concept of beauty to “interesting face”. That can mean anything. The emphasis is rare physiological feature. The parameters are based on the ability to stand out and so draw attention to merchandise. It’s wholly commercial. And so the models can never be average or look like ordinary women. How many women look like models! It’s why there’s a counter-cultural push for “REAL WOMEN”. Dove commercials for example feature “real women” – curvy, voluptuous women with folds and manifolds. I’m just saying be who you are and find beauty in what you are, not somebody else’s idea.

There was no plebian referendum on beauty, was there? And there are so many stars and celebrities with small breasts. Lupita Nyong’o, Zoe Saldana, Gwen Stefani, Kate Moss, Olivia Wilde, Keira Knightley, Cameron Diaz, Taylor Swift, Kristen Stewart, Claire Danes, Natalie Portman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Miley Cyrus, Ema Watson, Charlize Theron… These women have proven over and over again that it’s not breast size that determines social acceptance.

As an intellectual, I’m particularly intrigued by the Peterist model of beauty, which in conception is actually transcendent. He cited “inner disposition” as definition of beauty. To be honest he did recognise Brazilian hair, jewelry, fashion and what not as beautification implements. But he insists these cannot be the definition of beauty. And that makes sense. The Peterist model insists a very wicked woman in Channel suit and diamonds is as ugly as it gets. Solomon would weigh in and call the Channel bag and jewelry misplaced ornamentation. That the contrast of the ornamentation and character renders the wearer of bovine quality. That’s a nuanced rendering of, “As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” And so Peter talks of a beauty that “comes from within”.

He also placed beauty on the x and y axis using quality and time as parameters, and plotted a graph. Mere physical beauty of course fades with time. No one has ever succeeded in the struggle against time. He then plotted transcendent beauty – what he called “gentle and quiet spirit”, as well as humility. He says these – humility, gentle and quiet spirit, have a much higher potential to last. In other words, a physically beautiful but temperamental and prideful woman will not cut it on the Peterist scale. The Peterist conception of beauty includes godliness by the way.

I will rather you use the Peterist model in your conception of beauty rather than the Vogue definition. The Vogue model is rather unstable. The Peterist model has survived millennia. At the end of the day, beauty is what is inside of us.

Prophetic Proposals

You know it is a double jeopardy when you prophetically propose to a lady. A “Thus saith the Lord” marriage proposal is a double jeopardy if I am going to put it to you directly and explicitly. I as a person do not subscribe to it now neither will I later in life because to me it’s sorcery, it’s manipulation to the unsuspectingly naïve recipient of the proposal.

Now, this dude who proposed to you, is he a prophet? Did he speak like Elijah, like a prophet sent by God? I have a reservation to this kinds of proposal as it bears so many challenges with it…If you say “No” to this prophetic marriage proposal, isn’t that disobedience to God? And if you say “Yes”, won’t that be your passport to unhappiness, depression and failing health? (You don’t love the man, you hardly know him…). You’re thus stuck on the horns of dilemma. A prophetic proposal leaves you with no option. It simply says “It’s either you marry me or you disobey God” It’s a dilemmatic predicament capable of sending one into the abyss of mental and nervous breakdown. “No” obviously displeases God and “Yes” carries with it a huge risk of loveless marriage. And the prospect creates fear – fear of God’s choice, fear of disobeying God, fear of unhappiness, fear of ultimately ending your journey where you dread most “hell” but God’s word says there’s no fear in love: perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).

How do we reconcile this proposal with scriptures? My question is “why should a marriage proposal generate dread, fear and feelings of condemnation”? That obviously isn’t God’s idea of marriage/relationship otherwise He would’ve contradicted Himself.

Here’s another common challenge with prophetic proposals: you often find out that dating and courtship begin AFTER marriage acceptance, more like putting the cart before horse. It’s never advisable to agree to marry someone you hardly know. If you decide to marry someone you hardly know, whichever way it swings you’re in for big surprises, I cannot guarantee if it’s going to be a pleasant one or not! And because it worked for some doesn’t rule out the principle of common sense. What of those it didn’t work for? People often equate longevity of marriage as a proof of good marriage. How about happiness? Longevity is no proof of good marriage my friend; it might be forbearance of long-lasting pain. Never you confuse length with quality.

Another problem about prophetic proposals that rapidly extinguishes the fire of love in a marriage/relationship is that you have to be ready to invalidate your natural preferences. So, if you are into slim, tall and dark dudes naturally you must be prepared for the possibility of a short, pudgy and yellow-pawpaw guy. Some say if you truly love God then you must trust him about incongruent marital choices, that it is for your own good (well I do not know about that because God would not invalidate your power of choice). The justification for this kind of “leading” is an omnibus clause that God knows what’s best for us. He does truly, but do not forget that He has given us freewill, personal desires and preferences. Marriage is a VERY personal business. What later transpired in the garden of Eden when Adam blamed his fall to the wife (Eve) God gave him shows that you can’t hang it on God. You’re responsible for the outcome of your marriage.

Should I then be held responsible when God forces a marital partner on me? Aren’t we treading the waters of absurdity! I have not seen one instance of this prophetic marriage proposal in the bible, I simply couldn’t find any (would be glad if you can bring me up to speed on this though), not one example in the New Testament. Our Lord didn’t legislate it, neither did the apostles so where on planet earth did we get our own manipulative idea of prophetic proposals from?.

I know you might want to cite the case of prophet Hosea to substantiate your claim but this is a far contextually removed analogy with no bearing whatsoever on such proposals. God had told the prophet, “Find a whore and marry her. Make this whore the mother of your children.” (Hosea 1:1-5). And God told us why: “This whole country (Israel) has become a whorehouse, unfaithful to me, God.” It was highly symbolic. Even at that the prophet still had a choice of whore to pick. He picked Gomer, God didn’t specify whore (Gomer) to him. And did you notice “Thus saith the Lord” come from the prophet’s mouth to Gomer? NOPE because there was none. Imagine saying “Thus saith the Lord” to a prostitute (I can only imagine her disgust). And anyways, you’re no whore or are you? If these people are so infatuated with the Hosea case study they should go marry a whore.

And one funny thing is that you find the preponderance of these prophetic proposals are often directed at pretty girls, isn’t that hilarious? That shows the hypocrisy of their hearts. If truly “Thus saith the Lord” then He should’ve directed their steps towards the paths of so-called “ugly” girls. Hosea’s case study is one of a kind. There is no other such case study in the entire Bible. It’s prophetic dramatization. In the 4,000 years of Adamic history recorded in the Bible, there’s not one example of “Thus saith the Lord” marriage proposal.

Am I saying the Spirit of God can’t LEAD you on whom to marry? Of course he can, as he does in EVERY circumstance. But God works in you by natural means. He creates natural desire in you: “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” (Philippians 2.13). You will naturally fall in love, become fond of someone… That’s how God works. It’s not artificial. God is not against love!

Another problem with prophetic proposal is the subject of ‘prophetic proof’. Who judges the prophecy? If the test of prophecy is fulfillment then the whole thing becomes a self-fulfillment system requiring your Yes as proof! Strange isn’t it. And surely such proposals create enormous pressure.

I know what I’m saying surely challenges certain beliefs and conventions, but we shouldn’t be afraid of telling the truth neither should we be afraid of challenging status quo. We think keeping the truth from people will prevent them from immorality, yet Jesus advocates truth as knowledge. He must know what he’s talking about don’t you think. You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free, He said.

Really, what’s wrong with just being honest and telling a lady you’re attracted to her? Must it be attired in spiritualism? That’s not saying all those who proposed under such economies were not genuinely motivated. It’s a case of received teaching, or the prevailing convention in a local religious community. In other words, culture and God is accepting of marital cultures, as long as they’re not abhorrent. There’s also Christian culture.

An alternative and safer convention is to go on dates, to get to know the man who’s interested in you. I call that Direct knowledge. A simple conversation over fish, chips and juice can yield great insight. Gather enough data to make a sound judgment. This is your life we’re talking about not mine or theirs or your pastor’s. Marriage is not a ceremony. Going on a date is NOT commitment. No one can force you to the altar. You’re not under compulsion. Of course you pray and ask God to guide you, as you should in all things.

And please be careful about hearing voices. God gave you a brain, and common sense. And He also gave you lips to pray and a heart to perceive. Put them all to proper use.

The Emergence Of The Christian Sadist And A Call For Reflection by Leke Alder

I stumbled upon this beautiful piece by Leke Alder recently and it addressed some pertinent issues which the body of Christ have overlooked but is chipping away at our best efforts of reaching the lost, you should also take some time out to digest it as well, be blessed as you do so.

Let’s step back a bit… Let’s look at something away from ourselves.

Suppose you know someone who’s constantly threatening people with arson, who enjoys putting fear in people, or is relentlessly accusatory. Every time someone suffers a misfortune he is gleeful. Of course there are many labels one could put on such a human but sadist would seem most appropriate.

We ordinarily use the term “sadist” in our everyday parlance to depict someone who derives enjoyment from causing pain. But therein lies the problem. The commonality blinds us to the seriousness of the terminology. In clinical psychology it is a grievous patois, a very troubling state of man reminiscent of a psychotic thriller. Sadism is actually a disorder. According to psychnet–uk.com, the sadist lacks concern for people, and derives pleasure from harming and humiliating others. The sadist is also amused by, or takes pleasure in the psychological or physical suffering of others. Gets people to do what he or she wants by frightening them through intimidation and terror; restricts the autonomy of people with whom he or she has a close relationship.

As saddening as the contemplation of the above character is, truth is some Christians exhibit sadistic tendencies of the clinical variety in alleged propagation of the gospel. And they do so unfortunately in the name of Christ, which is rather shocking. Or how do you explain Christians relishing the fact people will go to hell, or threatening people with hell fire? We do recognize the reality of hell but Jesus never asked us to threaten people with hell! God wants people to come to him out of love and appreciation, not out of fear. How do we justify the thinly veiled hatred for the world exhibited by some Christians, despite divine injunction to love humanity and sinners? How do we explain the desire to control and regulate the lives of others with prejudicial and cultural provincialism?

How do we explain a Christian rejoicing at the misfortune of others, say over the loss of a child, husband or wife? How do you accuse a grieving widow of witchcraft? Or declare the loss of an innocent child God’s judgment? Which God? Does the Bible not say we should mourn with those that mourn? (Romans 12:15) Whatever happened to the spirit of compassion? How do we explain the disdain some Christians have for people who dress dissimilar to their cultural taste? It sometimes borders on despite and hatred. Yet the Bible says, “Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart,” thus confirming our psychotic diagnosis. (1 John. 3:15 NLT) And that spirit of condemnation, where is it coming from? It’s certainly not from the Lord Jesus Christ! He said he’s not condemning anyone. (John 3:17) How can the people Jesus committed the continuity of his ministry of reconciliation to, hate the very people they’re supposed to reach out to? How can you despise another human, someone you never made and can’t make?

How do we explain the awful excoriation of those who make conspicuous mistakes in life, say a pregnancy out of wedlock? Are we not sinners ourselves? We forget there’s no such thing as a big sin or small sin before God, and that there’s such a thing as thought crime in Christianity. That before God thought crime is as heinous as physical sin. (Matthew 5:28) How do we justify the casting away of a pregnant single girl from church? Where do we want her to go? And it doesn’t matter how faithfully she’s served in the past, once her sin balloons she becomes persona non grata. Obviously church is an exclusive club for the perfect. We humiliate the mistaken, turn them into parables and use them as sermon fodder. That’s wrong! We’re not saying discipline should not be enforced, but discipline must have an open backdoor of redemption. It’s how an exceptionally grievous sinner got restored in the church at Corinth. (1 Corinthians 5:1, 2 Corinthians 2:5-8) The purpose of discipline is redemption.

How do we explain the treatment of divorcees, or the insistence on hatch lockdown for those experiencing mentally debilitating and emotionally ruinous marital trauma? Isn’t mercy the weightier matter of the Law? (Matthew 23:23) Of course the twice divorced is twice condemned, even though Jesus himself would not condemn the fifth-divorced woman at the well of Samaria. (John 4) She was the Elizabeth Taylor of her time. Isn’t there a reason God put such stories in the Bible? The Bible is full of stories of imperfect people. Were Jesus walking the earth today he would be cast from the temple for the egregiousness of not endorsing the stoning of the woman caught in adultery! (John 8) How could he endorse adultery, the Pharisees will query. Is he not encouraging fornication, the Sadducees will intone. Whatever happened to the facticity of the God who gives second, third, fourth, fifth and umpteenth chances to all, including the Pharisees? Whatever happened to the truism of the God who keeps forgiving sinners?

This “thing” we’re practicing…it bears no semblance to Christianity. It’s sadism. These are not the teachings of Jesus! Some Christians are so deluded. They imagine themselves regulators of the Body of Christ, the ones who guarantee the sanctity and purity of the Body. Egocentric delusion is psychopathy.

It is obvious some Christians don’t use a mirror. If they did they would never engage in the hurtling of accusatory projectiles, casting stones. Or is it they’d never read that blunt instrument called 1 John 1:8: “If we claim we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense.” And it gets more ridiculous. These psychotic tendencies are underguarded by spurious filtration dogmas. Some believe women who wear trousers will arrive in hell through the expressway; those with tattoos by a bullet train. Which of course forecloses the preaching of salvation to certain groups of people.

It soon becomes obvious that a lot of these dogmas are predicated on selective and pedantic application (not observance) of the Law of Moses. Those who condemn those with tattoos for example rely on Leviticus 19:28, but conveniently ignore the verse just above (Leviticus 19:27) on the shaving of beards, as well as the entire Book of Galatians.

Jesus told us to mind the log in our eyes. Since a log in an eyeball effectively fills the field of vision, it means what Jesus was saying is that the sin we imagine we see in others is actually the huge log of wood in our own eyes. And so what we accuse others of we’re probably guilty of. “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults…” (Matthew 7:3-5 MSG) If only we’ll listen to Paul’s adjuration in 1 Thessalonians 4:11 that everyone should mind his or her own business. How can the absence of tattoos be a dermatological passport to heaven? Isn’t the body left behind at death?

It would turn out that these Christians are unschooled in the basic doctrines of the Kingdom. That they cannot see the over-write of the Law of Moses by the Law of Grace. Neither do they realize the purpose of the Law of Moses is to show impossibility of salvation by morality. (Galatians 3:11 MSG) They’re so dedicated to putting themselves under the curse of the Law. (Galatians 3:10) It’s amazing! Paul is probably saying in Heaven, “These people are crazy!” Just like he told the Galatians.

If we don’t teach sound doctrine in our churches, we will continue to breed an unfeeling, uncaring, unloving, unsympathetic generation of Christians. An unsympathetic generation cannot preach the gospel of mercy and love. And how sad that truly is!

Take it one step at a time

Young lady you are still very young so don’t take life in gulps. Take it breath by breath, a moment at a time. You simply cannot rush life. Life has its own pace and it has us tagging along. That is one hold life has over us. It is true we say: Do not leave till tomorrow what you can do today but the corollary is equally true: Do not do today what you should do tomorrow.

I do understand you want to accomplish, and that desire is driving you…Everyone wants to accomplish great feats in life as well but if you rush life you will likely make mistakes. And then your speed will be slowed down and you’d rue those moments you wished you had taken time to think things through. You’ve got to learn to pace yourself, to move sure-footedly in life. It’s better than a crazed rush. Think of driver on an highway driving erratically at top speed to arrive fast at his destination. If he had an accident, that’s the end of the journey. Even if it’s a minor infraction he’ll still be slowed down. And if he kills someone he’s mired in trouble for years. He’ll need to defend himself against the charge of manslaughter. Our haste can cause accidents. And when we have accidents in life, journeys can come to an end. Even if we survive the accident we would have lost considerable time and momentum.

In the same way, rushing into relationship or marriage – such haste have been known to create life disasters. Of course not every rush into marriage ends in disaster, but the probability is high. It’s the reality of speed. You’re trying to do too many things all at once. You’re like the Lagos Danfo bus driver rushing everywhere in one direction. He gets into headstrong juvenile competition with other road users, even when it’s obvious there’s no basis for one. Take yourself out of senseless competitions. Go at your own pace, face your own schedule.

When we rush senselessly, we forget to build capacity for the future we’re rushing into. The future will show us up. Get to know yourself. Get to know who you are. Get to know what you want. Get to know what you do not want. It does take some time to know these things but at least begin the journey to self-discovery.

Some things about yourself you’ll realise in retrospect. You can’t know them except you pass through certain experiences. It’s why you need to trust God, to commit your way to the Lord. Life is too large. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths, that’s what the famous king Solomon wrote.

As per this gentleman, the gap in age between both of you has consequences. His age will always be relative to yours. That’s not saying much older man/very young woman configuration can’t work. I am however worried by the fact you don’t really love him. That much is evident. You’re in love with the idea of loving him, you don’t love him. You want to play the life role of loving someone, of being responsible for a man.

You’re also moved by the fact that he was there for you at the start of your business/education. That is all well and good but the definition of husband is not “a business mentor.” And you don’t reward someone with your life just because he did good to you. There are other ways to show appreciation.

Here’s the danger in marrying someone you don’t love: You’ll be making yourself play a role, like an actress. That can only work so far and for so long. The love is simulated, it’s not real, it is rather synthetic, It’s assumed responsibility. It’s the synthetic love of a young woman who wants to be in love, to experience adult love and affair. Life does test the quality of such love is there anything life doesn’t test? Life tests marital resolve, to determine the caliber and purity of the love we espouse. And life uses a variety of means to test the quality of our love, sometimes through trials and temptations.

When faced with a credible option is when some realise the mistake of rushing into marriage. It’s then they discover what they should have wanted. And what they really want. Only then it’s too late. They realise they rushed in when their wants were hardly formulated, when their desires had no configuration. Either of two things then happens: they bear the pain in agony and silence, or they begin to punish their partner. The fact he does not deserve the punishment soon begins to trouble their conscience, creating deep conflicts. It’s a matter of time before both parties are dragged into depression by the gravitational pull of those inner conflicts.

Marriage requires maturity, not boy/girl maturity but man/lady maturity. And maturity takes experience, and the passing of time. And there is a level of maturity you can’t have without going through trial. There are things you can’t know in life without the passage of time. Some things only come with age. A life tempered by trial has a chance to grow kind and compassionate, to seek to understand. It’s been there.

When a life of immaturity takes on the big issues of life, it generates foolish life-altering decisions. Sometimes, just a little patience allows life to demonstrate to us how haste can be harmful. Someday, you’ll look back at life and thank God you didn’t take certain decisions. And someday, you may look back at life and regret taking certain decisions. The past can never be perfect. The past will always be full of stupidities, incorrigibilities, foolishnesses… The past is past imperfect.

The problem comes when we wish for perfect pasts. Then we’re full of regrets. The past can never be perfect. Judging the past is an exercise in futility. It’s a chronicle you can’t edit. It’s out of reach. But you do have the present to contend with. Try and avoid stupid mistakes, especially in the area of marriage. Nothing is as potent as marriage. It’s very deep, and it’s a highly spiritual and symbolic quantity. The stupid mistake of today creates the past we deeply regret tomorrow. Marriage is that area you can’t afford to make stupid decisions. It requires due consideration. Marriage is not something you rush into. It’s not a race.

You are that Wonderful Beautiful Thing by Leke Alder

The letter floated ashore, preserved in a plastic case – debris from the ill-fated plane crash on the Adriatic Ocean. It was a love letter from a man to his wife. She apparently carried it with her on her journey, among other mementos. There were 80th anniversary birthday cards in that plastic box. Some had children scrawls. “Happi BathDaY GrAMa,” one read cheerfully. “When are yOu bakin My choclat caKe?” The Adriatic being the northernmost arm of the Mediterranean Sea, the plastic case had floated ashore by that route. But what a letter it was. It’s a living letter. So raw with emotion, so honest. It’s the type any woman would wish for. It was posted on the Facebook page of one of the grandchildren, now a full grown woman. This is the content:
“My dear Abigail, you’re that wonderful beautiful thing in my life and I just want you to know. I want you to know how much I love you, how much you mean to me. This I hope I have conveyed to you over the years in my words, in my actions, in my gifts and in my loving. We all need to be reminded once in every while the good things about us, what makes us great and special. The insecurity bred by the fickleness of human memory necessitates such affirmation. But even if memory were faithful and loyal, I would still remind you how much I love you, how much you mean to me.

It’s our wedding anniversary next week and I just want you to know how much I appreciate you, in advance. I am forever thankful to God for giving me such a wonderful woman in you. You are no doubt a very beautiful woman. (Do forgive me if my vanity overtakes me). You have such beautiful and kind eyes. Your eyes pronounce a “Come hither” look. You have such a gentle chin. Your upper lip is like Cupid’s bow, your lower lip like stung flesh – full and inviting. Your smile is a beautifier. Your cheeks are dimpled like the contours of undulating landscape. Matched with your coiffed brows, you are my exoticus. You have that beautiful glow on your face – the sheen from the effervescence of a guileless and radiant soul. All your beautiful features have conspired to hold me bound for all eternity. I will love you till kingdom come.

I do not want any other woman but you. I cannot imagine any other woman but you. The wonderful coincidence of all your wonderful qualities convinces me there is a God up there. You’re my living, breathing miracle of mercy from God. What a heart God has given you… a soft and tender heart. So soft and comforting it has become my cardiac pillow. I am amazed at your capacity to give sacrificially, to do good to many and all in kindness and generosity. I wake up each morning and I can’t but give thanks to God for you. And though you have so many wonderful features yet your heart is the biggest and most beautiful part of you. You’re my soul mate, the one who loves me and just loves me in ways I cannot begin to fathom. You’re the one I trust, whose counsel I rely on because of the sincerity and purity of your heart.

You have filled our home with so much love, so much joy. The physical dimensions of our home are filled with your love and kindness. I don’t ever want to do without you. I don’t ever want to lose you. I strive daily to be a better man, a good and caring husband… just for us and just for you. God has made up for my lack by giving me an angel in you. He that is forgiven much loveth much, the scriptures say. Only the undeserving appreciate the depth of grace. I would love to feel entitled to you, but who can ever be deserving of such love. Who can ever be deserving of such a one as you? Who can ever be deserving of your devotion.

And when you dress, you make me proud. Please don’t ever stop looking stylish and beautiful, even in our old age. But as proud as I am each time you dress, it is your heart I find most comforting and assuring. I am able to express myself this way because I trust your love.

Your dedication to us is an amazing thing to watch. You’re so invested! Your life is invested in the project called us. Words cannot express the profundity of the immensity of my gratitude to God for giving you to me. And in this life and in this place I am forever grateful I found you. You are my missionary. When I think of the crossings of life, how we met, I am amazed at the implausible orchestrations of God. He kept you for me, placed you in a gift box tied with red ribbons of love. Your quiet, gentle ways bring peace to my heart. Your love permeates the fleshy walls of my heart and I am grateful.

Your heart is a vulcanizing implement pumping warm affection into our home, all day and all night. You have made our home so soft… no rancour, no fights, no ill affection… Just peace and love and joy. And you’re such a wonderful mother to our children. They are lucky to have you. And they know. Please keep this letter. Some day I shall be gone. And when I am gone I will want you to read it over and over again. I want to thank you for all the years we’ve had, all the love we’ve shared, all the years to come, all the joys in store. I would love to make life happier for you, lovelier for you, more beautiful for you. Please be assured of my dedication to this quest. I know you know I am doing my best. I will continue to strive. I love you with all of my heart my darling. Your one and only, Gabriel.”

What do you think of this letter? Don’t you think it is quite touching, and so genuine. I know some believe this kind of love is impossible but there you are! And why go into marriage for less! Love does happen, better believe it and there are beautiful happy marriages. May you find your soul mate.

This is dedicated to all beautiful creatures out there; keep illuminating our dark sides with your sunshine, WE LOVE YOU from the World Association of Boyfriends and Husbands (WABH).