Physical Attraction in Relationships

WARNING: SOME EXPLICIT CONTENT

Let me talk to the brothers today, you see, physical attraction does matter in a relationship. Life is not generic, it is specific… we all have our tastes, what I want or desire in a lady may not necessarily be what you desire for a marriage partner and you don’t need to over-spiritualise relationship. Some people are overly spiritual that they’ll spiritualise even biscuit or sachet water. Attraction matters! It is dangerous to marry someone you’re not attracted to, I’d say you’re setting up your relationship on a ticking time-bomb; you’ll set yourself up for sexual frustration.Dating back to bible days, attraction was the problem in the love triangle starring Jacob, Leah and Rachel and you could see the costs! Jacob wasn’t attracted to Leah one bit but he was hoodwinked into marrying her against his desire, his real heart desire was Rachel. Attraction affects loving and it got so bad even God (Arugbo-ojo Himself) had to acknowledge that Leah was unloved. A MAN’S LOVE IS INFLUENCED BY THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF HIS WIFE (you can ask any honest married man). You are at the risk of not loving your wife, subjecting her to il-treatment if you’re not attracted to her. The complications that show up in Jacob’s family history are the direct result of the lack of affection for Leah.

Lack of affection creates major problems in marriages and your attractiveness to your wife will often determine the state of sexual congress between both of you. You can’t be in a marriage and have no physical tang for your wife, Naaah! You will create major problems for yourself and your wife and the poor lady won’t understand why you don’t want her…And just how are you going to tell her you don’t want her no more without risking being the cruelest person on earth!

Usually, problems of physical attractiveness are veiled by early arrival of babies. The wife devotes much attention to the babies and hardly notices the lack of physical interest in her by her husband but it’ll be just a matter of time before he begins to give her the Leah treatment. Women intuitively know when a man doesn’t love them and I know you don’t want a dutiful marriage, you want a marriage full of love and affection, you want romance (well I do, lots of it too). Isaac was obviously the romantic type and I guess that’s where Jacob got all the lovey-dovey attributes from – he was used to open display of affection,  his mum was quite a beauty and she was romantic as well. Biblical record has it that Isaac was “sporting” with his wife. “Sporting” is a 17^th century expression for fondling so it just means Isaac was fondling his wife. So there’s all that fondling and kissing that goes on in the context of marriage between husband and wife and if you’re not physically attracted to your wife you’ll definitely miss out on it. Common sense of course dictates that attractiveness should not be the sole basis of your marital choice. There’s intellect, character, temperament, honesty etc, but the physical also matters!

The caveat is this, what is attractive to one man may not be attractive to another. Cultural, environmental and religious exposures influence taste, but culturally for some men the mammary glands (breasts) are an irresistible force of attraction while for others it’s the derriere, yet for some men it’s the face that matters and for others it may just be the legs (straight and hot!). For some men it’s the hair, and for some others it has to be the neck, especially slenderised long necks. Some men prefer babes with chocolate tone; others prefer light babes, while charcoal complexion would do the trick for some. Some men are into body fat and some like slim women and others are just in-betweeners. Somewhere in this polychromatic and appurtenant variegatedness lay combinant features suitable to every man but the breast is a major unifier of brethren (laughs), it’s the commonest reference for men. Hear some advice from the king of 700 wives and 300 concubines - Solomon: “Rejoice in the wife of your youth… Let her breasts satisfy you always.” Then he goes further, “May you always be captivated by her love.” So you can see that physical attraction can hold a man.

He warns you however not to spill your seeds (semen) on the streets, “having sex with just anyone” And not to “fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman.” (Solomon’s words not mine) so according to Solomon therefore, a woman’s breasts and physical features captivate and attract men.

If you marry someone you’re not attracted to, you’ll set yourself up for sexual pressure. One of the words translated love in the Bible is “eros. Yep, you got it. It’s from that word we got the word, “erotic”. There are four ancient words for love - agape, philia, storge, eros. Agape is translated unconditional love or fundamental love. Philia is friendship. Philadelphia was named after it; it literally means “brotherly love”. Storge is the natural love of a parent for his or her child. It’s familial love. Then there’s eros. It’s sexual love. You should be sexually attracted to the woman you want to marry. I’m not saying you should be all over your babe but what I’m saying is that sexual attraction is a qualitative factor of a healthy relationship.

Spirituality of course does not negate physical attraction; couples who ignore it are still going to pay for it in endless hours of fasting and prayers. That is why negligees and other sexy designs are intended to stimulate erotic love in a marriage, you should buy them for your wife! Sensual music also plays a part in stimulating romance in a marriage, and Solomon wrote a few I am sure you know that, and you can’t employ praise-worship songs for romance! They just wouldn’t fit.  

Allow me share some of the phrases from Solomon’s lyrics with you: “Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine…” So you can see that kissing is romantic. “How fragrant your cologne; O most beautiful woman…” So cologne is cool and toasting is allowed. “I am weak with love… Your lips are like scarlet ribbon, your mouth so inviting.” So lipstick is a seducing factor-Sensual. “Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates…” So it’s okay to use rouge to accentuate the face. “Your breasts are like the two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle…” Again, we see the breasts at play as sensual influencers for men. If physical attractiveness is not important, or unholy, why would God put all these stuff in the Bible?

So brothers, marry the woman you consider beautiful and whom you’re attracted to, don’t ignore the physical. I haven’t seen any spiritual standard for physical beauty. We’re all influenced by our backgrounds and exposure and God has made it so easy that there are always beautiful choices for each of us.

And lastly don’t allow anyone choose a wife for you, they’ll only be choosing THEIR taste in women, they can’t know your secret taste because your taste is specific to only you…all the best…

Hurtful Fathers

There’s always a unique bond between fathers and daughters, it is natural, it is how nature ordained it. It’s why fathers are protective of their daughters. It is also why daughters are specially hurt when their fathers offend the balance of expectations of the bond and without forgiveness that offence is often carried over into marriage, and it’s often buried deep in the psyche of the young lady. It’s triggered by fears, and semblances of past offences, mistakes and experiences.

Then comes outbursts and unwarranted over-reaction to seemingly trivial issues.

Unforgiveness of the father is a major cause of matrimonial dysfunction. It has destroyed many marriages and destabilized the bright futures of many innocent children. Some women are so hardened that they refuse to forgive their father even in death. These women soon become unforgiving all round, allowing this deadly virus (unforgiveness) to ramify the filesystems of every facet of their lives. They can carry a ten-year old grudge pregnancy, they are so adept at it. They marry and think they have moved past the past; but in reality the issue lay buried in the womb of their being.

The problems often begin just after the cusp of puberty, usually between ages 14, 15, 16 years…this often when biology and sociology bump into each other to produce hurtful consequences, which sneak into hibernation like a wicked virus. About that age most girls are taking decisive exams e.g. entrance exams into university, or some life-changing examinations. This period is a sociological test of parenthood, the father being the provider of the family is full of high hopes but also very wary. He wants to boast, to tell stories of how his daughter took after his academic dexterity and prowess. To all fathers, all their daughters are beautiful and so is the idea of beauty and brains. Now let us imagine a daughter getting pregnant at this prime and delicate time, which unfortunately is the period of most teen pregnancies. Many fathers may not be able to handle it, it sends some over the edge, many feel dejected, hence some over-react; they throw the girl out. Some men who are quite weak at handling the situation would take it to the extreme, they’d “disown” the child as if it’s possible. 

You see, parents know the importance of those exams, they’ve been there before but the child can’t really appreciate them until much later in life. The father knows the exam is the doorway to his dreams for his daughter. Nothing must endanger it. The child wants to pass no doubt but she lacks the capacity to appreciate the real consequences of failure at that stage. In a family of high achieving and talented girls the seeming laggard will feel unloved and unwelcomed. But unknown to many parents she may just be a late bloomer. The father’s frustration and drive will create immense pressure on the seemingly slow child.  

Trust the child as a social being with her will and mind still intact, she wouldn’t want to be outdone even by the father, she’d need an avenue to release the pent-up pressures and in response she will develop secret resentment and in some cases she may even become jealous of her siblings. She’ll attribute the lack of affection to her deficit of academic excellence, which is true but not true. The child soon begins to push back in allegories of rebellion, which further affect academic performance, which further infuriates and frustrates the father. Her grades then become a self-fulfilling prophecy, a vicious cycle. She will accumulate resentment like trophies. She’ll feel like an outsider in her own family. But being needful of love she’ll resort to seek love and validation elsewhere, and not getting it she’ll develop low or poor self-esteem. You can then understand why any achievement in the future then becomes her revenge which is why she’ll put undue pressure on her husband to achieve (that bloke better be ready for some tough pushing). She needs his achievement for validation.

In the family structure she’ll feel the respect she needs is not accorded her. And so no love, no acclamation, no respect… Nothing weakens a child more than the belief that her biological father doesn’t believe in her, it could drive some girls to depression and hence suicidal thoughts sets in. And there are also those fathers who take out their frustrations on their children and some are just plain irresponsible. And then there are those who punish their wives by punishing their child this is quite common in divorce situations.

Unforgiveness destroys the beautiful promises in a marriage, it hardens the soul. We become tough, and so difficult to change, prone to vengefulness. No slight will go unnoticed and unpunished excessively, just to teach someone an invaluable lesson. An unforgiving woman transmogrifies. She begins to lie in wait at life’s roundabouts… to extract revenge, seeking to inflict maximal damage where possible.

Unforgiveness makes her prone to a rare variety of moodiness- cynical moodiness which was not there at the outset. She weaponises her moodiness, God help whoever happens to be her victim at those moments. Loving her becomes an arduous task. She becomes manipulative in nature more like the strange woman being talked about in the book of Proverbs, she starts withholding affection dealing it out in trickles, never admitting her true feelings. Pride then sets in, she wants love but won’t give out love, though on purpose. She soon begins to despise those who love her. Then she becomes rude and saucy. Nobody can correct her. Her default mode is thus established and upheld. Moodiness utilises a whole lot of muscles in the body and hence saps human strength. It soon begins to sap her strength. She slips in and out of depression almost easily. Nothing destroys the loving ambiance in a home like moodiness.

The moody build environmental prisons with the raw materials of foul emotions. It wouldn’t be surprising if she soon metamorphosed into a warder, she’ll become controlling. All these are expressions of insecurity. The mood soon becomes accusing, accusations I hope you know are invented to justify the mood. The husband is then punished severely for his kindnesses, and for any success he acquires. She’ll be unhappy and can’t be happy.  May God help the husband in such a marriage. It is either he runs away, or he succumbs to clinical depression. Is that who you want to become? You’ll be most unhappy and miserable.

An unhappy person can’t give happiness and is also incapable of receiving either. For how long are you going to keep on fighting your father? Into the grave?! Beyond?! (Even when the father is dead some still continue to fight the corpse! What insanity!) Those who fight the dead kill something in themselves. Your heavenly Father has forgiven you so much. Why can’t you forgive your earthly father? There’s so much to this life than wallowing and labouring under the sins of the father, your life is bigger than your past…