Most problems in marriages often stem from a clash of Systems – a
catastrophic head on collision of three major systems and since each system has
its own philosophy it means three philosophies might clash in any given union
if adequate care is not taken.
There’s the secular humanism, there’s traditional African culture, as well
as Judeo-Christian belief system. Each of these is a complete system, none
needing succour from the other with each having its own philosophy, values and
adjudicatory system…different outflows you might say. Regrettably they are
operationally conflicting, their marital philosophies don’t agree, they are
like Cartoon Network’s Tom and Jerry.
Secular humanism for instance rejects religious dogma as the basis
of morality and decision making in marriage and so when couples
operate a farrago of marital philosophies there's bound to be misunderstanding
and squabble… and this is what reinforces the confusion; because both you and
your husband are Christians, you got married in church, it follows therefore
that the Bible is the legal norm - the fundamental regulatory authority in your
marriage. But you had to go through a traditional marriage ceremony to satisfy
the autochthonous diktats of your tribe. You also formally got married under
Common Law, you married at the court registry effectively bringing your
marriage under the three systems. The average African christian elite goes
through all three hoops, yet each of these marriages is actually adequate
before God. We only go through each process to satisfy different requirements
and generate certain outcomes not minding its after-effect (some couples become
impoverished after marriage). Each of these systems is recognised by God as a
marriage. Whatever a society defines as a marital process is what God accepts.
For Adam and Eve; a society of two - a mere pronouncement and behavioural agreement
was sufficient. Adam simply called Eve bone of bones, flesh of flesh, it was a
simple equation (symbolic declaration of binary union by Adam + Agreement from
Eve = Marriage). If in your society the paying of bride price or hunting for
the eel fish is what defines marriage, God will recognise it, and if drinking
two cups of boiling water or juice and frog-jumping is the ceremony of marriage
in your community, God will recognise it as well. Yes, it does seem like I'm bursting
a few religious bubbles about marriages but truth is truth. God recognises
traditional marriages as much as he recognises Common Law weddings or church
weddings.
But since convention insists you go through all three ceremonies then you
have to determine which you want to operationalize, you have to determine which
will regulate your marriage. Each system defines roles, responsibilities and
expectations. If you don't resolve the logic of your marriage there'll be
clashes, false expectations and disenchantments. A marriage can't run on two
contradictory systems there'll be issues. If the wife holds on to secular
humanism and the husband holds on to traditional African culture, there’s going
to be conflict ditto if the man assumes Judeo-Christian marital philosophy but
the woman is on a secular humanism platform. It’s a clash of titans and a house
divided against itself cannot stand says the bible. There’s bound to be a
contest of viewpoints.
This clash of titans often becomes apparent in a conflict situation…Which
system will you adopt to resolve issues? Traditional African culture says to
call the families and elders, they (families and elders) constitute the
judicial system, they can review the administrative decisions of a husband (he’s
just local government)…The federal might lies with the elders. It’s a
Presbyterian system - government by elders. The constitution is culture and
tradition.
The Judeo-Christian belief system on the other hand employs the bible as the
regulatory framework; it integrates the Pastor…I am sure you can see the clash
already. The systems clash because of underlying differences in philosophies. One
peculiarity of the African traditional marriage system is that the woman
marries the man AND his family, she is hierarchically junior to her husband’s
brothers and there’s pecking order among in-law wives and this can often lead
to inconsistencies. The Judeo-Christian system in its own right says the man
must leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife which in logical term dictates
he must bond with his wife’s family.
In a secularist system however both partners are co-captains, none has a
higher governmental position. The Judeo-Christian system on the other hand says
in governmental structure the man is the head of the home while the traditional
African system is a dictatorship of one (Remember Idi Amin of Uganda or General
Abacha of Nigeria)… a wife can't confront her husband in the traditional
African system, that’s suicidal.
So in essence you guys (husband and wife) have to make up your minds on
which system you want to follow. If you choose to operate the Judeo-Christian
system according to your faith then you can't escape Paul's admonition in
Ephesians 5:22-24 MSG: “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that
show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the
way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as
the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should
likewise submit to their husbands.” …It is that simple and plain!
Here’s the continuation of the Paul’s adjuration though often ignored:
Ephesians 5:25-28 MSG: ‘Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives,
exactly as Christ did for the church - a love marked by giving, not getting.
Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he
does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in
dazzling white silk. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.
They’re really doing themselves a favor - since they’re already “one” in
marriage.’
If you go by this then I can’t see your marriage derailing but of course it’s
wholly dependent on you two and the good thing is, Paul never married so no one
can accuse him of prejudice or bias.
Marriage is a very, very powerful institution… It’s incredibly potent and all
that’s required is for you make it work…Will you make it work?
