There’s always a unique bond between fathers and
daughters, it is natural, it is how nature ordained it. It’s why fathers are
protective of their daughters. It is also why daughters are specially hurt when
their fathers offend the balance of expectations of the bond and without
forgiveness that offence is often carried over into marriage, and it’s often
buried deep in the psyche of the young lady. It’s triggered by fears, and semblances
of past offences, mistakes and experiences.
Then comes outbursts and unwarranted over-reaction to seemingly trivial issues.
Unforgiveness of the father is a major cause of
matrimonial dysfunction. It has destroyed many marriages and destabilized the
bright futures of many innocent children. Some women are so hardened that they
refuse to forgive their father even in death. These women soon become unforgiving
all round, allowing this deadly virus (unforgiveness) to ramify the filesystems
of every facet of their lives. They can carry a ten-year old grudge pregnancy,
they are so adept at it. They marry and think they have moved past the past;
but in reality the issue lay buried in the womb of their being.
The problems often begin just after the cusp of puberty,
usually between ages 14, 15, 16 years…this often when biology and sociology bump
into each other to produce hurtful consequences, which sneak into hibernation
like a wicked virus. About that age most girls are taking decisive exams e.g.
entrance exams into university, or some life-changing examinations. This period
is a sociological test of parenthood, the father being the provider of the
family is full of high hopes but also very wary. He wants to boast, to tell
stories of how his daughter took after his academic dexterity and prowess. To all
fathers, all their daughters are beautiful and so is the idea of beauty and
brains. Now let us imagine a daughter getting pregnant at this prime and
delicate time, which unfortunately is the period of most teen pregnancies. Many
fathers may not be able to handle it, it sends some over the edge, many feel
dejected, hence some over-react; they throw the girl out. Some men who are
quite weak at handling the situation would take it to the extreme, they’d “disown”
the child as if it’s possible.
You see, parents know the importance of those exams,
they’ve been there before but the child can’t really appreciate them until much
later in life. The father knows the exam is the doorway to his dreams for his
daughter. Nothing must endanger it. The child wants to pass no doubt but she
lacks the capacity to appreciate the real consequences of failure at that stage.
In a family of high achieving and talented girls the seeming laggard will feel
unloved and unwelcomed. But unknown to many parents she may just be a late
bloomer. The father’s frustration and drive will create immense pressure on the
seemingly slow child.
Trust the child as a social being with her will and
mind still intact, she wouldn’t want to be outdone even by the father, she’d
need an avenue to release the pent-up pressures and in response she will
develop secret resentment and in some cases she may even become jealous of her
siblings. She’ll attribute the lack of affection to her deficit of academic
excellence, which is true but not true. The child soon begins to push back in allegories
of rebellion, which further affect academic performance, which further
infuriates and frustrates the father. Her grades then become a self-fulfilling
prophecy, a vicious cycle. She will accumulate resentment like trophies. She’ll
feel like an outsider in her own family. But being needful of love she’ll resort
to seek love and validation elsewhere, and not getting it she’ll develop low or
poor self-esteem. You can then understand why any achievement in the future
then becomes her revenge which is why she’ll put undue pressure on her husband
to achieve (that bloke better be ready for some tough pushing). She needs his
achievement for validation.
In the family structure she’ll feel the respect she
needs is not accorded her. And so no love, no acclamation, no respect… Nothing
weakens a child more than the belief that her biological father doesn’t believe
in her, it could drive some girls to depression and hence suicidal thoughts
sets in. And there are also those fathers who take out their frustrations on
their children and some are just plain irresponsible. And then there are those
who punish their wives by punishing their child this is quite common in divorce
situations.
Unforgiveness destroys the beautiful promises in a
marriage, it hardens the soul. We become tough, and so difficult to change, prone
to vengefulness. No slight will go unnoticed and unpunished excessively, just
to teach someone an invaluable lesson. An unforgiving woman transmogrifies. She
begins to lie in wait at life’s roundabouts… to extract revenge, seeking to
inflict maximal damage where possible.
Unforgiveness makes her prone to a rare variety of
moodiness- cynical moodiness which was not there at the outset. She weaponises
her moodiness, God help whoever happens to be her victim at those moments.
Loving her becomes an arduous task. She becomes manipulative in nature more
like the strange woman being talked about in the book of Proverbs, she starts
withholding affection dealing it out in trickles, never admitting her true
feelings. Pride then sets in, she wants love but won’t give out love, though on
purpose. She soon begins to despise those who love her. Then she becomes rude
and saucy. Nobody can correct her. Her default mode is thus established and
upheld. Moodiness utilises a whole lot of muscles in the body and hence saps
human strength. It soon begins to sap her strength. She slips in and out of
depression almost easily. Nothing destroys the loving ambiance in a home like
moodiness.
The moody build environmental prisons with the raw
materials of foul emotions. It wouldn’t be surprising if she soon metamorphosed
into a warder, she’ll become controlling. All these are expressions of
insecurity. The mood soon becomes accusing, accusations I hope you know are
invented to justify the mood. The husband is then punished severely for his
kindnesses, and for any success he acquires. She’ll be unhappy and can’t be
happy. May God help the husband in such
a marriage. It is either he runs away, or he succumbs to clinical depression.
Is that who you want to become? You’ll be most unhappy and miserable.
An unhappy person can’t give happiness and is also
incapable of receiving either. For how long are you going to keep on fighting
your father? Into the grave?! Beyond?! (Even when the father is dead some still
continue to fight the corpse! What insanity!) Those who fight the dead kill
something in themselves. Your heavenly Father has forgiven you so much. Why
can’t you forgive your earthly father? There’s so much to this life than
wallowing and labouring under the sins of the father, your life is bigger than
your past…
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